


You are worth saving.

by chaos101



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love Confessions, M/M, Missing Scene, Valentine's Day, one day i'll write a fic without that tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29443905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101
Summary: “Wait, slow down,” Ash says, shaking his head. “What’s going on?”Eiji blinks. “I, um ... I thought that ...” He pauses. “It’s Valentine’s Day, Ash.”They stare at each other blankly. After a minute, when Ash still can’t figure out what’s going on, he has to ask.“What the hell is Valentine’s Day?”Eiji asks Ash to spend a day safe at the condo with him.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 25
Kudos: 155





	You are worth saving.

**Author's Note:**

> Valentine's Day in 2019 was on a Thursday! Were they even in the condo at that point of the show? Who knows! But I wanted to write a canon-compliant Valentine's Day fic so I say yes. Thanks to Anonymous_Cupcake and Honeyvalentine for beta reading!

Ash is getting back to the apartment at around 3 in the morning when Eiji asks a question he’s not expecting.

He’s not expecting Eiji to be awake at all, but he really shouldn’t be surprised anymore. The kid always tries to wait up for him. Ash often comes back to find Eiji asleep on the couch, or even at the kitchen table, clearly trying to stay awake until Ash gets home.

He feels bad, but there’s really nothing he can do. This fighting, these ...  _ killings, _ they’re all for their safety.

For Eiji’s safety.

So it’s worth it.

At least, that’s what he tells himself.

Eiji blinks blearily up at him from the couch as Ash softly closes the door behind him. Eiji mutters something in Japanese, shakes his head, then says, “You’re home.”

“Hey,” Ash mutters. “You should be in bed, huh?”

“I ... wanted to see you,” Eiji admits. “Wanted to know you made it back safely.”

“I did. I always will,” Ash says, though he knows it’s a promise he might not be able to keep.

Eiji just shakes his head. Doesn’t believe him.

It’s silent for a moment. Eventually, Ash takes off his shoes at the doorway (a habit learned from Eiji) and throws his jacket over the back of the couch on his way to sit next to him. “I’m sorry,” he breathes.

“Ash, can you ...” Eiji starts, then hesitates.

Ash waits a moment, but when Eiji doesn’t continue, he prods. “What is it?”

“Can you ... spend one day here with me? I know it won’t be ...  _ real,  _ but just one day. Without the violence, without the danger. Just here, home with me.”

And normally Ash would laugh at the idea of him having a  _ home _ at all, but for some reason  _ home with Eiji _ feels almost right. He sighs, tilts his head back against the couch, runs through a mental calendar of everything he needs to get done.

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I can make that happen.”

Eiji perks up, despite his obvious exhaustion. “Really?” he asks.

“Yeah. I think I can clear out my day on Thursday, delegate everything to the guys. Is that okay?”

Eiji’s eyes slowly widen. “Thursday?” he asks. He checks his phone, like he doesn’t believe it. “Like ... Thursday the 14th of February?”

“Uh ... yeah,” Ash says, confused. “This Thursday. Is that a problem?”

“N-no!” Eiji says. “That’s ... that’s fine. That works. That’s great.”

“All right then.” Ash rubs at his eyes. Maybe it’ll be nice to take a day off with Eiji. He’s been ... busy. Exhausted. And Eiji’s been worried, he knows. Maybe they both need to pretend for a day. Pretend for a day that things are normal, that they’re a normal ...

That they’re normal friends, Ash corrects himself. God, what is with him lately? He keeps thinking of himself and Eiji as one, instead of two separate people. It’s ridiculous. Eiji is so,  _ so _ different from him. They could never be  _ together, _ in any sense of the word, really.

This Thursday is the closest they’ll get to  _ together, _ he guesses.

— — —

Eiji acts off over the next few days. Ash can’t quite figure out what it is, and honestly he doesn’t spend enough time in the apartment to pick up on much beyond the lack of eye contact. But it’s definitely there.

He doesn’t seem sad, or angry, or even upset really. Just ... odd. Ash shrugs it off. Maybe he’ll have the opportunity to ask on Thursday.

Wednesday night is a rough one.

He takes 4 lives with his own hands, one bullet each, and his boys take another few themselves. He hates himself. Hates what he’s become, or maybe what he’s always been. He doesn’t blame his guys. Alex and the others ... they’re just following Ash’s orders. It’s his fault.

That’s the thought that’s on his mind when the bullet hits him.

Grazes him, really. Leaves a bit of a gash through his left shoulder, but nothing unmanageable. Ash’s back was turned, leaving his gang to take care of the rest.

“Boss!” Alex yells, alongside shouts from a few of the others. “Shit!” A shot rings out, killing the man—boy?—who shot Ash in one hit before Alex runs up to him. “Are you okay?”

Ash hisses out a breath. “I’m fine. It barely touched me.”

Alex eyes the gash warily.

All but rolling his eyes, Ash presses a hand to the wound. “I’m  _ fine, _ Alex. I’m headed back to the condo. Keep the guys safe.”

“Yes, Boss,” Alex says, but he still looks hesitant.

Ash turns and leaves.

When he makes it back to the apartment around 5 in the morning, Eiji is asleep on the couch. Ash tries not to wake him, doesn’t make a sound, but somehow Eiji seems to know he’s there anyway.

“Ash,” he murmurs, before his eyes are even open.

“Hey, I’m here. I’ll be right back,” Ash says, hoping to bandage his wound before Eiji can register the red staining his arm. But Eiji’s eyes open and go immediately to the darkened fabric.

“Ash!” he gasps.

“I’m okay,” Ash says quickly. “I’m okay.”

“We need to—bandage and—”

“I can take care of it, Eiji,” Ash says, voice soft.

Eiji shakes his head, but he still isn’t making eye contact. “No. I will take care of you.”

And as much as he wants to, how is Ash supposed to argue with  _ that? _

No matter how many times he feels it, Ash is always surprised at the softness of Eiji’s touch. Ash complains, sometimes, that he’s too rough, but in reality? No one’s ever touched him so gently before. Maybe he has to make jokes about it, to cope with how ... frightening it is. How different.

But not tonight. Tonight is silent honesty. So much is said without a word.

“Thank you,” Ash whispers when Eiji’s done. Eiji’s kept his eyes on the wound the whole time, never looking into Ash’s eyes.

“Anything for you.”

They sleep in their separate beds that night, Ash curled up on his right side to leave his weight off of his injured arm.  _ Barely injured, _ he thinks. The pain isn’t bad enough to keep him awake, so it hardly registers on any scale he might have.

When Ash wakes in the—morning? Afternoon?—Eiji’s bed is empty, which isn’t unusual. The last time he woke up before Eiji might have been the day he stole the money from Dino.

What’s different about today, though, is that today is a day to spend with Eiji.

He checks the phones for any updates from the gang, then turns all of them off. If they need anything now, it’s not his problem. Alex will have to take over whenever Ash finally dies anyway, so he might as well get used to taking command now.

The second Ash steps out into the living room, he stops dead in his tracks.

Eiji is there, brow furrowed as he scans an article on a tablet, but there’s also a single red rose on the table, and a square box of chocolate.

Ash blinks. This  _ has _ to be a dream. A fever dream, maybe, after the gunshot wound. What is going  _ on? _

“Eiji?” Ash asks hesitantly.

Eiji jumps before looking up at Ash. Ash notices that he’s wearing one of his sweaters over a button up, similar to when they first met. HIs cheeks are  _ definitely _ tinted red.

“Ah, sorry,” Eiji starts. He looks down to the table, where the chocolate and rose lie. “In Japan you  _ make  _ the chocolate, but ... the girl would make for the boy, and ...” If possible, Eiji’s blush intensifies. “I read that in America you just  _ buy _ the chocolate instead. Ah, I didn’t leave the building!” he adds quickly. “They were selling them downstairs in the grocery.”

Why would they sell flowers in the small grocery store downstairs? The chocolate Ash gets, but  _ roses?  _ And why the fuck did Eiji  _ buy _ them?

“Wait, slow down,” Ash says, shaking his head. “What’s going on?”

Eiji blinks. “I, um ... I thought that ...” He pauses. “It’s Valentine’s Day, Ash.”

They stare at each other blankly. After a minute, when Ash still can’t figure out what’s going on, he  _ has _ to ask.

“What the hell is Valentine’s Day?”

Eiji bristles. “Ah! It’s—it’s ...” He shakes his head, then thrusts the tablet in Ash’s direction. “Look it up!” he says, turning away and covering his face with his hands.

Ash hesitates, then picks up the tablet, typing the word phonetically into a search engine. He reads the first result.

_... has become a significant cultural, religious, and commercial celebration of romance and love in many regions of the world. _

Oh. Ash remembers this. He spent it with Dino, most of the time, or occasionally with a client during the day and Dino at night or vice versa. It was hard to keep track of the days back then, so he never really knew it had an exact date. And didn’t exactly try very hard to remember the name of the holiday, either. And it’s not like it’s something that came up often on the streets.

His eyes wander from the tablet screen back to the flower and chocolates on the table.

Eiji sneaks a look at him from behind his hands, then slowly pulls his hands away entirely. “Ash?” he asks. “Are you ... blushing?”

Oh shit. Is he? His heart  _ does _ feel like it’s pounding, and it’s making the throbbing in his arm worse, and his face feels a little hot, and—

“Of course not!” he responds. He practically throws the tablet back onto the table. “Eiji ...” he starts, but isn’t sure how to continue.

“I’m sorry,” Eiji says quickly. His eyes are downcast. “I didn’t—I thought you knew, and—”

“Is this why you’ve been acting weird?”

Eiji nods curtly.

Ash slides into the chair across from Eiji, then leans his head back. He takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Eiji, I ... I didn’t even realize ...”

“It’s fine, Ash,” Eiji says, but his voice sounds off. “I shouldn’t have—assumed—”

“Eiji?” Ash asks, sitting forward to try to meet his eyes now. “Eiji, can you look at me?”

He does, and as Ash suspected, he’s crying. Well, he’s trying not to cry, but he’s not exactly succeeding at that. Eiji sniffs and rubs at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I’m sorry,” Eiji says. “I know you don’t want me. I don’t know why I thought—”

“What?” Ash asks, incredulous. “No! It’s—it’s not that. I just ... can’t be with you, Eiji. I can’t be with  _ anyone.  _ Not ... like that.”

“You ... have to know that that’s wrong, don’t you, Ash? Please, you have to ...” Why does it sound like he’s begging?

“Eiji, I’m—I’m sorry. You’re the last person I could ever ...  _ be  _ with. I can’t put you in danger like that. And you’re ... God, Eiji, you’re so fucking  _ good, _ and I’m—”

“You are good too, Ash!” Eiji insists.

“God,  _ fuck _ no, I’m not, Eiji.” Forget blushing; if this goes on much longer, Ash is going to start crying himself. “I killed four guys last night, Eiji. Four lives. Four human beings with families and people who love them. Loved them.”

Eiji is quiet, just looking at Ash.

“Fuck,” Ash breathes. “It’s okay to hate me. God knows I do.”

“I do not ... hate you, Ash. I don’t like what you’re doing, but I know that you’re only doing it because you have to. I just wish I could save you from all of this. I wish I could have saved you ten years ago.”

Ash laughs, a little bitter. “I’m not worth saving.”

“Don’t talk like that! I hate when you say things like that.”

“What, when I say the truth? I hate it too, Eiji, but it’s not just something I can ignore.”

“It’s not the truth!” Eiji clenches his fist on top of the table. “Why can’t you see, Ash? If you don’t want  _ me,  _ that is fine. But if you just don’t think you ...  _ deserve _ anyone, that’s—that’s ... it’s bullshit, Ash!”

Ash raises an eyebrow. “Bullshit, huh? Big word. Did you learn that on Sesame Street?”

“Don’t try to change the subject! I’m not letting you run away from this. Not anymore. You will—you will face me and you will honestly tell me that you don’t like me, or else you will eat the  _ stupid _ chocolate I bought and we won’t keep ignoring this!”

“... Ignoring what?” Ash asks. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt with his good arm.

“Ignoring this ...  _ pressure _ between us. You see it as well as I do, yes?”

“... Yeah. Yeah, I do. Of course I like you, Eiji. I  _ love  _ you.  _ Fuck, _ I love you so much. I’ve been in love with you for so long. But what am I supposed to do about that? Put you in danger? Care about my own wants over your safety?”

“Yes!” Eiji says, standing up to punctuate his statement. “You know why? Because  _ I _ want to be here just as much as you want me here. It is not just up to you. I want to bandage your wounds and be there for you when you get home.” He sadly eyes Ash’s shoulder. “Don’t I get a say in this? Or are you wanting to take away my choice?”

Ash hesitates. He would never want to ... he can’t take away Eiji’s autonomy. But this is different, isn’t it? This is for his safety. This is ... this is different.

Right?

He stares at Eiji, sees the tears in his eyes. Feels them reflected in the burn in his own eyes.

“Eiji ...” he whispers.

“I love you, Ash Lynx. You  _ are _ worth saving. And I’m not going to let anything get in the way of that, unless you don’t want me back.”

But  _ fuck, _ Ash does. He does. And he already knew he’s a selfish, awful, horrible person, but he must be even more than he thought.

Because he gets out of his seat, walks up to Eiji, and whispers, “Fine. I’ll eat your chocolate and keep your rose. I’ll ... let you love me, for now. And I’ll love you back.” He hesitates, letting that hang in the air for a moment. Eiji’s eyes are wide, hopeful. “Eiji, can I ... can I kiss you?”

“I would love nothing more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Did this end exactly the same way as the chapter of my AU I just posted? Maybe. Is that a problem? Also maybe.
> 
> I'm really not super proud of this one, but it's my first attempt at a holiday fic. I really wanted to do something for Valentine's, so at least I tried! Leave a comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> [Tumblr.](https://chaos101lynx.tumblr.com/)


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